I wrote this the first week of September, but then Ruslan was injured and all of my focus was on him so I never got around to hitting publish.
When I was pregnant with the boys I made them write on my chart that I wanted my tubes tied. This was at my 5-wk pregnancy confirmation appointment before we knew that we were having two babies. I was not the least bit conflicted with this decision; I knew that our family would be complete after that pregnancy.
Recently I have had occasional thoughts of what it would be like to have another baby. Juliana is a big kid now – Kindergarten and she will be 6 next month. The boys are getting bigger too – I flipped out on Scott when he asked if they were starting preschool this fall – No, let them be toddlers. No need to make them grow-up any faster; they are doing a good job of that themselves.
I remind myself of the sleepless nights and the first 3 months with the boys when I thought I would never survive. I also think of those baby snuggles, the ones where they nuzzle their little faces into your shoulder so close you can’t imagine how they can breathe. And then they sigh and you feel them relax and you know they are asleep and you should lay them down and get some rest yourself..but you just sit and soak in the moment…I wish I had appreciated those moments more because that phase passes so quickly, they all do.
I know these are irrational thoughts. I’ve seen the future, I know how much things improve after ages 2 and 3. I know that we are a few years away from being able to take family vacations and not plan around naps. I know that we are 3 years away from no more childcare costs – that will be the reason for my big smile when the boys start Kindergarten. Having a baby now would push all of that back 4 years so it’s a good thing that having a baby isn’t an option – it makes it easier to push all of those thoughts away.
That is until this month when I was late and I am never, ever late. Twice in my life I have been more than 2 days late and we know how that turned out. For the first few days I looked at the plentiful reasons to be late – stress (between Juliana starting Kindergarten, no prospects on selling our old house, challenges at work) – yep lots of stress, weight loss – yes, illness – yes allergies are killing me right now. That kept calm for the first week – yes I said week. Then I did things like Google “can you get pregnant after a tubal ligation” and found hundreds of stories of women who were shocked to find themselves pregnant 2, 5, 10 years after having their tubes tied. Apparently the procedure is not 100% because the tubes can reconnect over time based on the method and skill of the surgeon – how did I not know this?
So after watching for any weird signs that I might be pregnant, not sleeping well, and rearranging our future in my head; I bought a pregnancy test on day 9. With both of my pregnancies I took the tests early and they popped positive instantly so I was prepared to trust these results. All that appeared on this test was that lonely control line. I breathed a heavy sigh of relief. (I was eventually 15 days late).
I may love babies and the idea of having more, but I love the life that we have now. My 3 healthy children. Watching them grow and turn into little people. The highs and lows of parenting 3. The joy of raising both a girl and boys. The experience of keeping up with twins. Our family is complete and I wouldn’t want it any other way.