Trying to Find the Words

I could pretend that I took a scheduled blog sabbatical for the month of February. It wouldn’t be too difficult to explain, after all February is always a difficult month for me. One of the reasons I started Project 365 five years ago was because I would look back at the month of February and find only a few folders of pictures for the whole month. This happened every year. I can track low points in my life by looking at my photo history – periods with almost no photos…it’s likely I wasn’t very happy then.

********

This February comes along in the midst of a challenging time. Last summer I had started to see glimpses of what I had been promised – the payoff with twins – the time when they would start to entertain each other and the years of dealing with double trouble would be worth it. They seemed to be past the climbing and destruction phase. I started to have short periods of time to accomplish basic household tasks while they were happily engaged.

And then October came along, the boys turned 3-1/2 and overnight that illusion was shattered. The climbing and jumping and complete wildness returned with vigor…and they quit napping on the weekends. My weekends are filled with running and screaming, kicking and rough-housing, and all manner of trouble-making. That glimpse of playing together has turned into working together to find trouble. I hear them whispering, c’mon Wyatt or c’mon Ruslan (they are both instigators), and I know they are about to find trouble.

A few weeks ago, I put them in their room so I could clean-up their current mess. After 5 minutes I heard the bedroom door open and I asked if they were ready to be good. I heard Wyatt say, “We are not ready to be good yet, close the door.” Ruslan must have agreed; he closed the door.

In recent weeks they have: coated the powder room walls with liquid soap, rubbed lotion all over Juliana’s bed, and they took my make-up bag and dumped out the powder and applied mascara to a couch and the living room floor (2 good make-up brushes and of course the mascara were ruined in the process). Liquids (soap, shampoo, lotion, hand sanitizer) seem to be a major issue at the moment and it would be impossible to make all of those things inaccessible in the house.

*********

In a normal week I get up with the kids 7 days. Most of my vacation days are used when school and/or childcare is closed, not for something fun. I dread long weekends and 2-hour delays. By the time the kids are in bed I am exhausted and all I want to do is collapse on the couch. Adding anything new to “normal life” becomes too much to handle.

**********

Today was the fist time in 12 days that I opened my laptop and it’s been 13 days since I downloaded and tagged photos. I have 7 draft blog posts and a bunch more in my head, but I can’t seem to publish those when the other stuff is weighing on me.

We are dealing with the outcome of Wyatt’s assessment and it has been a struggle – minor improvements in one area are often met with backward steps in another. This is one of those posts that needs to be finished – other things (good things that I want to talk about) that are happening in our lives don’t make sense without this piece of the story. Wyatt has been getting a lot of my attention over the past few months.

We had an unrelated daycare issue come up in January that sucked up lots of time and energy for weeks. This issue brought back a flood of memories to the time we pulled Juliana out of her first daycare and now I feel like I need to talk about both of those situations, but I need to find the words.

**********

At the beginning of December each year, one wall in our dining room becomes dedicated to Christmas cards and the holiday projects that the kids bring home from school. And I leave everything up long after the rest of the Christmas decorations are put away. That wall makes me smile every time I see it. I will take the cards and art work down this weekend because it will be March and I will have hope for spring and I will find new things to make me smile each day.

card-wall2 card-wall3

 

card-wall1

Goodbye February.

5 comments to Trying to Find the Words

  • i really don’t know what to say other than hang in there. and i still have my christmas tree up so i can appreciate the christmas love wall still being up.
    love to you, my friend.

  • Sorry you’ve been having a rough time lately. With the boys and just… everything. Hugs, lady.

  • Oh dear…is this a glimpse into my future? Like Jen said, hang in there and I’m sending hugs.

  • Andrea (ajh_rigs)

    Oof…. ((hugs, lady)) I know it doesn’t help right now, but I keep telling myself, “boys are harder when they’re younger, they’re easier when they’re teenagers.” (So help me, that had BETTER be true.)

  • tehamy

    My mom swear that what Andrea says is right. Boys are harder at this young age but get easier when they are older. Less drama she says. They just sulk and sit around.

    I’m sorry that everything has been so hard lately. I’m glad that you have hope for spring. Perhaps this phase will pass as the weather get warmer and you guys can spend more time outside. In the meantime, rumor has it that basketball is wrapping up this week, so Jim will be home on Friday nights. If you want to grab a drink after all the munchkins are in bed, just let me know. I need absolutely zero notice to hop in the car and meet you.